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My journey of self (re)discovery...

my journey of self (re)discovery...

5/30/05 10:22 am

none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact 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losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers none of you are cool because you wear eye liner...in fact you're losers

9/10/04 10:20 pm - back to school...

Well kids…it's been a while since my last update…but I think anyone would have been scared away from updating by the chain of events that occurred from one mislay post and a few anonymous comments posted by an imposter.
School is great. This first week didn't go by smoothly, exactly. There was some conflict between a girl and I, but it turns out the girl is actually a really awesome person once you get to talk to her.
I like most of my classes. Economics is mind-numbingly easy…I mean you know when you're asked to define words such as land and profit that the course is going to be anything but challenging.
Music Theory is a bit of a challenge for me. I decided to take it so I could obtain the level of sight-singing that most people have already…and basically the only class at shen that starts teaching you the basics instead of assuming you already know them is music theory.
Gym even has it's own bright spot this year…this year the boys actually get electives in gym! I finally have a choice in what I am doing! You can imagine how flabbergasted I was when I fond out.
Choir is fun but much bigger than it was the year previous and therefore there are even more people who appear to be tone deaf since they never open their mouth unless everyone else is singing and no one can hear them make a mistake. I was there once and it took many many mistakes to get to Choarleers.
Choarleers is really fun because everyone sings and the group is a whole lot smaller than choir. The only down side of Choarleers is that I have to purchase an out-fit that I am only going to wear this year…but what a small price to pay.
Literature of the musical theater is ok. I am kinda blindsided by the fact I have to write a critical lens essay on 2 books I read last year and one I read when I was in 8th grade.
I have plentiful free periods in which I've been slaving away over music theory homework…and hanging out with my beloved Morgan.
As for prospect at love this year? I must say, as with most years, the prospect is grim. There are a few hott guys…even a few hott (dare I say it?) sophomores…like Amanda Contrupi's younger brother…he's cute but definitely not gay…and there is this kid I know I choir and Choarleers who I definitely suspect to be homosexual but don't really have an attraction too. I tried dating someone who was insecure and it ended up blowing up in may face…so I am a little leery to say the very least.
I know most of the seniors considering I am one…and I still think the same ones are attractive that were attractive last year…but they are all heterosexual too. The only gay guy I'd go with at our school if he asked (I just am not the asking out type…) would be Frank Sansone. I've always fond him adorable since I knew him in 6th grade…but from what I hear he isn't really interested in anyone and I couldn't be anything but less interested at trying to work for someone's attention…plus I don't need one more sour attempt at reaching out to a guy in drama club…
Well with that I'll leave you
To those who care-
-John

9/4/04 08:54 pm - VACTIOWNAY! (say it like it's spelt and you'll get what i mean...hopefully...)

Well kiddies…in a few days summer will be officially over…! For me, this means tons of change. The hours at my work are going to be cut back dramatically…not only that, but because the day care I work at is also a preschool the whole schedule changes. now each person will be assigned a number and that number determines what job you do. Since I will be the last staff member coming in every single day I will probably get the crappiest job-cleaning.
I am bummed by this…a lot…but hey, summer can’t last forever…right? It was fun being able to sit outside on the playground nearly every single day and never having to touch a single cleaning product besides the occasional mopping or vacuuming that I had to do because everyone else left.
Besides changes in the work place I, like many other fellow peers, are facing a radical change in day to day life in general. Instead of waking up at 10 or 10:30 I will be forced to get up before the sun rises at a staggering 5:50am…I mean, need I say more? I’ll have to pick out my outfit’s the night before due to the fact no one can make a proper wardrobe decision that early…I also be forced to bring a pre-packed lunch every single day…but this isn’t so bad…at least now I’ll actually get to eat lunch…even if the food is extremely factory processed… Normally before I went to work I would skip breakfast and just snack a little before I went…a substantial meal in addition to dinner could benefit me.
I am also afraid my inner self will turn into the recluse it normally does the first couple weeks of school…which is pure hell…but if it happens this year I’ll just have to deal with it…
So what am I doing with my last few days of summer vactiownay? I am going to savor them…sleeping in real late…staying up even later…blasting Bjork and Tori…finishing up my personal summer reading book… playing with my newly bough Tamagotchi…(didn’t you know they just started coming out with them again? Anthony and I both have them and you bet we will be rocking them as the years most awesome fashion accessory) just plain being lazy…
See you all in a few days…
Much love
-to those who care
John-

8/30/04 08:30 pm - MY TIME HAS COME...and no one is getting in the way...(wow...that sounds harsh/scary!)

With summer coming to an inevitable end…I can’t help but think about this up coming year…my and my friends last year. So many feelings float through my head when I think about being the “all mighty” Senior.
I am excited, first and foremost! Excited to put this 13 year experience behind me and to let my future unravel.
Sad to know that I’ll be going from seeing my friends every single day to having them be smattered all across the globe.
Relieved that it’s almost over…and especially that I won’t have anymore gym after this year.
Accomplished that I made it to this year and can look at all the other years in retrospect and know that I learned and grew from them.
In many ways my Senior year was a dream…and now I am getting to live it. There are so many things that I am going to miss.
*I am going to miss the teachers that understood me, believe in me, and helped me even though others told them not to.
*I am going to miss Mrs. Warner’s vocal warm ups in the morning.
*I am going to miss seeing my friends a guaranteed 5 out of 7 days a week.
*I am going to miss having the captive audience I’ve never been able to shake going up and down the hallways.
*I am going to miss getting to feast my eyes on the hunky football players.
*I am going to miss the dances that I always lost my inhibitions at and thusly made all my other friends lose theirs.
*And I think it goes without saying that I’ll miss each and everyone of my friends!
There are things I am not going to miss as well.
*I’d have to say gym is at the very tippy-top of my list without question! Not having to go in to school every other day and unsuccessfully trying to prove my physical superiority over fellow gym peers of which a third are always football players will be a relief to say the very least…
*I am not going to miss the crowded hallways. I am not going to miss the lockers.
*I am not going to miss the mind-numbly painful announcements and homeroom for that matter.
*I am not going to miss the caste system some people hold on to that was only meant to last through middle school.
*I am not going to miss the opinions of a bazillion people I don’t care about. I’m not going to miss the library (we need to resume our record of trying to get thrown out the most, Heathy!) or the computer lab…but the computer lab was a bit better than the library because at least in the computer lab the woman who ran it wasn’t breathing down your neck, waiting for the moment you look at a website that is not academically educational.
***I’m not going to miss the jealousy and animosity of fellow homosexual peers…one day they’ll learn that they too can be comfortable with themselves and thusly don’t have to dress like shemales or be the star of a drama club play that only drama club members will remember ten years from now.
*** and with that I am really not going to miss about 90% of the drama club. I learned the hard way that most of the sane ones in that bunch are the ones who actually do the work backstage and don’t get the glory that they deserve.*** one day the kids from drama club will realize that they were only special to each other and the one teacher who could stand them long enough to put a play together with them…and that everyone else just saw them for the snobs they were. But I guess that saying- “ignorance is bliss” fits in quite nicely here.
Well I guess I’ll stop this entry here before I let it get too long…anyone else thinking about the upcoming year?
To those who care-
-John

8/27/04 06:04 pm - WILL WORK FOR BJORK!

Yesterday was a pretty good day…I spent a good portion of my pay check.
I bought one Bjork’s live albums. I decided on buying Debut first because I figured that Debut would be the most interesting to hear live being that it’s probably the most techno of all her albums and you don’t hear too many techno acts trying to do live shows. It was a very good buy. It’s like listening to the album with new ears because most of the techno sounds are replaced by instruments…so it’s kinda like not even listening to the same album. She uses the harpsichord on “Human Behaviour” and “Venus as a boy” which is pure bliss for yours truly due to the fact the harpsichord is my number one favorite instrument.
I also bought a biography pf Bjork written by a supposedly “famous” music journalist whom I’ve never heard of before. So far it’s less than mediocre because he, like many other writers who endeavor on writing a biography of a music artist, get caught up in the details surrounding the artist rather than getting caught up in the details about the artist which, if I’m not mistaken, is what the reader wants to hear about considering that when I picked up the book I wanted to read about her life and not the life and times of Iceland. Now that I’ve made it through the mind-numbly historical chapter one, chapter two is still failing to focus on Bjork but rather the punk scene that unfolded in Iceland that Bjork was involved in, but kinda not directly so the information seems almost irrelevant but definitely excess. Maybe he got paid by the word versus the quality for this book?
I’ve hence forth decided I will now wear a sign on my back and front that says “WILL WORK 4 BJORK!”.

I also bought a few Sarah McLaughlin CDs. I finally got “Mirrorball”! I’ve wanted it for a really long time but every time I obtained a large sum of money I seemed to forget. In addition to “Mirrorball” I also bought her B-sides CD which is decent. It has far too many remixes for my taste. I also bought this live ep that was exclusively released in Canada. It was probably 3 times the price of how much it costs in Canada being that it was imported to the good old USA…god knows they are so far in distance from each other!!! After I bought all this and finally left Borders (yes, I did in fact spend a good portion of my pay check all in one place…!) my spending spree came to a halt…I’m doing Color Me Mine tomorrow with Meg and I have no idea how much that is going to cost.
Much love
To those who care-
-John

8/25/04 05:27 pm - rough day...

Today was alright. I got stuck inside doing the cleaning but I knew my long-running streak of not having to clean or disinfect anything would eventually come to an end. I was a little resentful of the fact that I had to come mainly because the woman at my work who asked me to come in made up all these excuses that just weren’t believable…I wish she would have just told me that she just plain didn’t fee like cleaning. It erks the hell out of my when someone just won’t be honest.
I was a little resentful too because this child that normally hits kids to display his assertiveness, dominance, and to get what he wants hadn’t been hitting anyone since I had been out there and spent a lot of time disciplining him…but the minute I leave he hits someone and nothing is done about it. It’s like spending 3 hours on a puzzle and having someone knock it over and you having to start from scratch.
Tomorrow…no cleaning. I don’t care if anyone doesn’t feel like cleaning…I am not doing it. It was bad enough my hard work had been undone but on top if it this woman who was on maternity leave came back with her child and it suddenly became funny to make fun of the way I do things and to say that I was “stalling”…this just made no sense to me…why would I stall if I were cleaning? Wouldn’t I want to get it over with as soon as possible so I could get it done and go home? The whole situation was just plain upsetting…
But I got out early which I suppose made things better. Today was pay too so tomorrow after work I get to spend it. Well not all of my check, just a good portion. Saturday Meg and I have plans.
Well that’s all for now kids…
To those who care-
-John

8/24/04 08:20 pm - the first time...in a long while

Well sports fans…the inevitable has happened. Spent and I have had a small portion of the “first talk” that comes after a parting of ways whether you’re a couple or just friends. Honestly the whole thing was not only mistake (truly…it got started by mistake. I was baby-sitting and I had to walk away from the computer to deal with one of the two children I baby sit for. Thusly I closed all my conversation boxes on aim just incase the other child who can read got curious and one of my friends had dropped a f bomb or something suggestive as they and myself often do…) but really nothing was accomplished. I am betting on the fact that Spent believes I instigated the conversation…but who cares? I’ve truly stopped caring what she’s though for now. I basically blurted out everything I had felt and was currently feeling…I am sure from her end of the computer it made little to no sense and I really didn’t have enough time to devoted to talking it out. It wasn’t maybe 10 minutes into the conversation and the parents had arrived home so I had to go and sign off. I mean, I wish I could have called her but it was much too late to ring someone…but the bottom line here is *I am not ready to have this conversation with her…I wasn’t ready when it happened. The only reason I agreed to talk was that I foolishly thought she’d apologize and say everything I want to hear but everything I want to hear isn’t fair to her. She’s entitled to her feelings about the whole situation just as much as I am…even if I don’t understand them or vice versa. If she graveled at my knees and told me everything I wanted to hear and said all the right things we’d be right back to where we were to begin with…and we’d ultimately end up back here. One of our main inconstancies was that although we considered each other “soul mates” there were just certain things we couldn’t be honest about with each other…and I stray to think that just because we’ve spent a month or two away from each other than either are now even a little bit capable to be truthful and honest.
Maybe part of the reason I know I am not ready to have this conversation is because I just know that nothing is going to be different. I mean, I know for a fact I truly have searched myself over and over and can’t find one reason to have her back in my life. I am sure she’s mulled the same thoughts over in her own mind. We’ve only succeeded in proving to one another than we just can’t be friends no matter how much we want to. The things that we need from each other to change are just too deeply rooted in ourselves to change. We both were foolish to think either of us would be successful at filling each other’s ultimate needs. The superficial ones were fine…but when it came down to what we truly needed we just couldn’t provide for each other. I needed someone that was going to spoil me, to not leave me, to take my soul-backed investment for all it was worth, to be loyal…these were things that she just was incompetent to provide…and for just as many of my needs that weren’t and couldn’t be fulfilled there were just as many at her end….
I guess in my life right now there really isn’t a need to dissect what we had on more time and to look for that spark of hope that was once a burning fire. I don’t need her anymore and this relationship that we shared, this misguided friendship we both endured for far too long has taught that at the end of the day I am the one that is always there for me and therefore I should be the only person I need. I’ve found independence and I don’t want that taken away from me, to risk this security I’ve finally found on something that just isn’t full proof… I’m happy for what we did have, for what we shared…but it’s over now and I don’t see a reason for it to hold me back anymore. Hopefully she’ll realize the same thing and move on herself.
She said in the conversation that she didn’t want us to be bitter enemies…I can’t say that I am capable of not being bitter…but as for enemies? I really don’t want to waste this last year of high school I have on hating someone…I don’t hate her…I don’t even hate what she’s done to me because ultimately it served as a learning experience and she subconsciously did what any friend would do…gave me back what I needed the most. Also, I want nothing to with the people she’s associated herself with now and the people I associate with want nothing to do with someone of her kind (for the lack of a better, less harsh term) and the people I am with now, well I wouldn’t trade them for the world. But I’ll never forget how much she recklessly and carelessly hurt me for her own insecurities…that will always resound in my mind when I see her in the hallway or when someone asks me what happened between us to make us morph from the inseparable to completely separated . I just hope that nothing like this ever happens in either of our lives again and that we both take the time to think of how ready we are to be mentally, emotionally, and physically stable to take on someone else.
To all those who care-
john

8/23/04 07:37 pm - oh BABY!

Hey kiddies! I, like all other Shen students, received my schedule. Normally this would be something exciting and fun…but like with many other things in my life the things that should be easy never are. I was one of the lucky students who received a red X on their schedule which is a fancy way of saying my counselor fucked it up. I was supposed to be in choir this year in addition to choraleers but instead of just scheduling me in the class they just didn’t schedule me at all for that period(3rd). And as if this wasn’t enough of a mess to undo because now the cap probably has to be raised on the class so I get in event though I was signed on to take the course since April, they double scheduled me for 4th period! So since the day I got my schedule in the mail I’ve been trying to undo the mess another fine Shen staff member created. I had to call Mrs. Warner to inform her of the mishap and to see if the cap could be raised at all because if the cap can’t be raised there is no since in me going in with my sword raised high. And now because they double scheduled me for 4th period I am forced to chose between honors early childhood ed and choraleers. I mean the choice is super easy, choraleers, but the fact is I shouldn’t have to chose between them…but this, I guess, is out of my less than competent “guidance” counselor.
Besides this schedule screw-up…I’ve been more or less living life at work…which isn’t really bad at all. I’ve come to discover that just about the only thing I am not really liking is having to spend time with the little babies. I actually can’t stand it all. It would be one thing if I was thrown in a room of little babies that were all the same age and all of the same developmental stage…but when I am with babies none of the are the same age…and even a few months can make a big difference in a child’s capabilities. So I am constantly running around to try and entertain each child…and trust me, after an hour of this it gets extremely tiring. I was pretty sure I would never have kids of my own before I started at my day care, but my baby experience has pretty much cemented that in my mind. If I ever have children (which I don’t really see myself doing…) I am going to adopt a child 2 or older so I can skip all that difficulty that comes with a small child.
I don’t know if I ever really have talked about why I don’t want a child in the first place…I don’t think I have but if I did and you remember you are more than welcome to stop reading here!
I guess one of the main reason I don’t want to have a child of my own is because being a gay man you really can’t have a child of your own. The child is always going to biologically belong to one of the males and one of the males only. At least in a heterosexual marriage, if things go to shits both the parents involved will have rights to the child…I know it doesn’t always work out that way but the simple fact is both the parents made the child and with a gay relationship there is no physically possible way to do such a thing. I’ve heard of things on television where both the men give sperm samples and both samples are inserted in the woman who decides to carry the baby and give up her egg…but still, it only takes one sperm to make a baby and that sperm is going to belong to only one of the men…and sometimes you can’t tell who is belongs to exactly because both the men are from the same ethnic background and aren’t that radically differing in appearance…but a divorce motivates people to do extreme things and alls that it would take to find out who the child truly belongs to is a dna test and I or my husband (fuck the whole “partner” thing…if I marry someone they are a little more than a man who helps me out on a social studies project…!) won’t necessarily have rights to the child considering courts favors biological facts.
This, and I think adopting a child would benefit me so much more and benefit the world so much more. I don’t ever see myself having a long term-stable relationship with a man…I truthfully see any person I marry as someone who will be able to quench my preverbal thirst for some portion of time but not forever…and thusly if I adopt a child it would be mine and I would be given that child a chance.
I only want a child though when I am older…when I have accomplished most of, if not all of, what I dreamed of accomplishing in my youth. Once my fire has died down to a warm glow…then I’ll be ready to put my life on the back burner and fully immerse myself into a child’s. Anytime before this occurs and I wouldn’t be fair to that child on several levels.
With another one of my famous rants complete…I’ll leave you here.
To those who care-
John

8/20/04 09:49 pm - Medulla...

Well kiddies…sorry for the lack of updates but I really haven’t had the time to sit down and write. I’ve either been @ work or too tired from work to want to sit down and update. See, I’ve been having these weird dreams that I started to have when I first got the job. In the dream I know I am in the my bed room but for some reason I think I still have to watch the kids and can’t fall a sleep on the job otherwise I will get fired. So I spend most of the night fighting myself out of sleeping because I think I am working and I am afraid I am going to get fired. I understood why I had them when I first got the job. It was a new job, the pressure was on and it was stressful in the beginning…but now? It really doesn’t make any sense. Alls that I have to say though is that I prefer these dreams to the ones I am use to getting.
So what have I been doing with my time in between my job and sleep? I’ve been writing vignettes as kind of a writing exercise to get me to write a full story. Unfortunately I think that it’s really not turning into an exercise but rather a habit. With vignettes I get to write whatever it is in my head at the time I am thinking with no explaining before or after it and some how I think that’s good enough for me. I’ll have to post one here in the near future.
Besides writing I’ve been eagerly anticipating Bjork’s new release “Medulla”. The concept behind the album is no instruments…just her voice and the voice talents of other singers from around the world. I am not sure if I am going to like it because I enjoy the techno-classical feel of Bjork’s previous releases but I am going to give it a try nonetheless. I am a little bummed because I missed her Olympic performance and still haven’t heard her new song…but I guess that way the whole album will be a surprise.
Well…without getting to focuses on sad things I’ll leave you hear before my emotional nonsense comes back…
To those who care-
John

*ps*
check out my info page...i added some things that look really good*

PSS- i don't think the person who designed the sally emtion faces understood what exactly nostalgic meant...

8/15/04 09:15 pm - .::Good news for people who love...GOOD NEWS!::.

Well kiddies…since I am no longer grounded my social life has picked back up at full speed…thusly the lack of daily updates! What have been doing exactly now that I am freed from preverbal jail? Well, a lot of thrift shopping…around summer I’ve found it hard to get good vintage t-shirts…but I’ve found some hidden jewels. I’ve also been busy ageing jeans both for myself and for my friends. I just went to see Princess Diaries 2 and had the heart warming pleasure of getting to see Heathy in t-bell action. She seems to be the only one there who knows what she’s doing since drive thru was moving along speedily while the normal line was completely stagnate with a 20 minute wait for food. The movie was good. Not as good as the first…but that’s usually how it goes.
My love life still hasn’t picked up…let alone gain any speed what so ever. But some of my sexual fantasies have been picking up and without giving you any more details…I’ll just leave it there (I am still a virgin promise).
Tomorrow I face a whole solid week of working but I need the money so I guess that’s fine…and as for the rest of my life…? Well everything is good!
Much love to those who care…
-John
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